The Holiday Cottage Guide to Wine
I went to an absolute belter of a wedding at the weekend in Northumberland. And just as well it was a belter, because due to the outbound flight being cancelled it took 22 hours to get there and included a night in a manky hotel near Heathrow. A behometh of a place, I might add. The size of an airport terminal itself. Which makes sense, I suppose, given how many people from the terminal end up staying. The walk from reception to my room was so long I might upload it to Strava.
I was travelling with my two year old which made the appalling situation simultaneously better and worse. Better because little children force you, in some way, to remain positive and rational, and remind you that it doesn’t really matter where you are as long as there’s fun to be had and readily available snacks. But also worse because doing literally anything with a toddler is often, quite simply, worse.
Everything continued in the same disastrous vein (except the wedding, of course) when we finally arrived to our cottage that had four stars on Bookingdotcom but actually deserved two. Maybe two and half. A knackered mattress, 70s storage heaters, hot water that ran out and a carpeted kitchen.
A carpeted kitchen.
The welcome gift was an of out of date tub of Celebrations and a terrible bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. So terrible the label didn’t even mention a country. And apart from a catering sized pack of table salt that was it. Not even tea bags! Which I know is a particularly English thing to be horrified by, but I am English and we were in England (just) and to not provide tea bags is, in my book, treason.
Then the night we got back from the 10 hour belter of a wedding, desperate for a cup of tea and a hot bath, there was a power cut.
It reminded me of the shoddy holiday cottages we went to as a family once our parents decided we’d outgrown the traditional British seaside, that were invariably of a lower quality than our own house (which wasn’t anything amazing itself). My ever thrifty mother would go as far as packing the Weetabix from our kitchen… honestly, at that point you really have to wonder why you’re bothering to go.
As such, one of my long standing travel rules is not staying anywhere worse than my own house (which still isn’t anything amazing). Exceptions to the rule are camping and caravans because they’re a different thing all together, and ‘finding yourself’ backpacking trips which are largely done and dusted with anyway. I was furious to have accidentally broken the sacred rule this weekend but the blame lies firmly with Bookingdotcom’s dubious star system.
Co-incidentally, I returned to a group message from a friend who happens to have a couple of utterly gorgeous holiday cottages on the Isle of Wight. So gorgeous they’re not even on Bookingdotcom.
She wanted advice about how to bulk buy the Prosecco she leaves for her guests, as she was sick of waiting for the 25% off supermarket deals. Now, the other friend on the group runs a pub and buys her wine from Keeling Andrew amongst others and so needless to say we both immediately chimed in with, “You really shouldn’t be buying crap Prosecco.”
I also know how much thought, time and money she puts into creating stunning interiors, alongside luxurious products in the bathrooms and so on, so I hammered the point home by saying cheap Prosecco is like furniture from Temu. I will never not be amazed by how many clever and worldly people can know so much about many subjects yet wine remains a massive blind spot.
Her budget is £10 and based on the bottles I’ve found in every Airbnb/cottage I’ve stayed in (even smart ones) that seems to be standard. Fair enough, no-one is expecting complimentary Cristal.
So with that in mind, here’s some pointers to all you Holiday Cottage/Airbnb owners to get your wine offer up to standard:
Don’t buy cheap Prosecco. Unless your rental is in the Veneto (the home of Prosecco) in which case, free pass.
Don’t go to a supermarket. Unless your rental is in the North in which case Booths is permitted. But generally, not only is the wine an issue, you will be paying over the odds. As a business you can open a trade account which means you’ll get better wine for less money. But this does not mean go to a Cash & Carry - the only things worse than cheap Prosecco is 19 Crimes or the Sauvignon Blanc from Literally Anywhere that I got at the weekend.
Do go to a wine merchant. That’s where you get wine from. Or your local independent shop (they often supply local businesses so offer trade as well as retail prices). Good merchants include Berry Bros & Rudd, Lea & Sandeman, The Wine Society or Yapp Brothers. All of whom have reliably good bottles for £10 (or less). To not overwhelm my friend with options I suggested Yapp as their own label Rosé and Cotes du Rhone are terrific and that’s summer and winter season sorted. I would be thrilled if I opened the fridge and found one of those. And if I worked for one of those companies I would be hitting up all the holiday companies in the country and offering to supply, as well as leaving a discount voucher in every cottage.
Do (and don’t) buy local wine. If you’re in the UK you won’t find local wine for £10 so it’s not really an option. And if ever do, run for the hills. You might find a local cider, but most good ciders are still well north of £10. If local is that important, go for a posh apple juice or similar. If you’re in Europe, with the exception of perhaps Champagne and Burgundy, almost every region has cheap, decent enough wine to hand. But regardless of location, always choose good over local.
Decent glasses. Four minimum, but ideally six. Even if your place is for couples. Supplying individual items has an air of prison about it. I currently like these by Luigi Bormioli from Wineware for everyday/party drinking, ie. short stem, sturdy yet elegant enough for decent wine. I bought 24 for my son’s second birthday party which is as good a test as any to ensure they are Airbnb proof. Or see the Decent Glasses section in my piece Last Minute Presents for Wine People.
Two corkscrews - A Waiter’s Friend for your guests who know how to open wine and a Winged corkscrew for the other 99%.
Most important of all: tea bags and milk.
Great read. Top advice. I’m putting this on my gravestone: ‘it doesn’t really matter where you are as long as there’s fun to be had and readily available snacks.’
Also an ice bucket, for the love of god.